May. 30th, 2012

meccahi: (Default)
Everything feels very distant lately. Disconnected. 

I'm assuming this is just my mind's way of dealing with shock. Survival mode. I'm functioning normally... I can laugh, and enjoy the people around me. 

I appreciate them now more than ever.  But there is a distance. A blankness or some sort of void where presence and my spark used to be. I know it will come back... I hope so at least. 

Nights are tough. My brain starts whirring through everything that's happened. And it keeps pounding the same phrase over and over again. 

"I'm never going to see him again".

I don't know if it's to keep me from drifting off into a dreamland where he's still alive..where I'll still come home to Arizona and be able to see him... or if it's simply because my brain is an asshole, who wants me to suffer.

It wasn't love. It was far from it. But he was my familiar person. And I feel like if I had shown him more how much I cared about him as a person..that this wouldn't have happened.  I know that the likelihood of that being true is infinitesimal. But again.. my brain likes to play the sadist. 

I do miss him. I do still cycle back and forth between anger, hurt, pain, to emptiness on a frighteningly regular basis.  

The next time I am dating someone.. and I do mean really dating.. not the ..whatever, my last few relationships have been..  I'm telling that person every day, how much they mean to me. And if I ever do fall in love with someone, and vice versa..I will never let them forget it. 

March 2014


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