Oct. 1st, 2012

Moments

Oct. 1st, 2012 01:20 am
meccahi: (Default)
I'm not going to lie... tonight is not one of my better moments.

I keep on thinking that these waves will pass. That the clawing ache will go away finally, never to be seen round here again in these here parts.

But still it returns. 

I wasn't in love. So why this? 

Why the longing, and the missing, and the tears. 

I try so hard to pull my parts together. To keep this semblance of a human girl intact. But during the night, the cracks keep showing.. keep veining around me. 

I feel like a broken record. There's nothing original to say about the whole ordeal. I cared about a boy. He drove me crazy. He was crazy. He killed someone else. He killed himself. The End. 

Now I get to pick up the flecks and pieces of the parts of me that keep flaking off. Stick them back together. Make everything stick.  Make it look good. Make it look seamless. 

Try to move. Try to breeze it off, but everything is stiff. Parts are still tender. Contents may still be under pressure.  

I can go days without wincing. Without caring. But then this happens, and it's all too real. 


Forward

Oct. 1st, 2012 11:54 pm
meccahi: (Default)
I think my time here in the basement is coming to a close. My tolerance for all of its drawbacks has become small to nil.

We're having one hellacious storm... it's been raining for at least 15 hours...aaaaand.. The basement leaks. Not a little. A lot. 

Not to mention I can't get up my driveway because even though I've asked multiple times for it to be re-graveled.. it hasn't been. So it's just a slick, muddy slope for my car to slide on ( with a convenient ditch for it to go into!)

Or the loud, constantly wrestling/barking/ thundering dogs.. or my landlady screaming at her disabled husband. Or the constant invasion of insects that I can't seem to prevent no matter what I do. Or doing my laundry in a barn..Or being 50 miles away from everyone I know.. Or the lack of any kind of kitchen whatsoever. I've been living off of dry goods and fruit while I'm here. 

I'm used to roughing it. But the reason I wanted a place was so that I didn't HAVE to rough it. 

Unfortunately this comes at a time when I am terribly, terribly broke. Paying off the majority of my debts..plus prepping for Carolina has me teetering towards flat broke again. I hate this cycle. I know this year was a bit of an exception with not only buying the two booths, but also moving across country, plus paying off the debts..plus paying show fees... but I should be doing better than this. Paying that last $2500 bill set me further back than what I had expected.

Must push forward. I know I can get through this. I can survive damned near anything . More things have been listed on Etsy...I'm making more stock tonight for Carolina..   I found a place I can rent for $600 a month, in the area of town that I really want to be in. Now I just hope that it will hold until after the first weekend of show. It means renting for a year. Which I hate the thought of.. but if I find a roommate, it would be comparable in price, and be twice as much space..and have a kitchen! 

I'm sending out wishes to the universe at this point.. 

March 2014

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