Aug. 24th, 2012 10:00 pm
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Landis would have turned 25 this week.


Aug. 13th, 2012 07:37 pm
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I just got off the phone with Landis's mom. 

She found me on Facebook and asked if I would like to talk.. about his life, his death..everything.

I was not prepared for that today. But I gave her my number and she called about 5 minutes later. 

She seems like a really ..kind..woman. She was candid about everything.. about what happened to him..what happened to his remains.. and asked if I would like anything of his. I learned more about him.. and so did she. 

I'm not sure if it was cathartic or not.. but I at least have some sense of closure, and no longer have to search for a grave. There is none. 

Since they couldn't harvest his organs in time, she had his body donated to the Navy. They used it to to test crash situations for jet pilots, and then, when they were finished with that, he was cremated, and his ashes spread into the ocean. 

She wants to keep in touch, and to meet. 

I'm still a bit shocky from the unexpectedness of it all... but at least now I know. 


Aug. 10th, 2012 04:44 pm
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GenCon is in like...5 days. 

Am I ready? Hell no! 

I am however, back in Georgia. The move went well. Most of my stuff is in a storage unit in Douglasville, where I hope to settle soon-ish. But some of it is here with me in my underground Fortress. It has helped a lot to make me feel a little less like I'm living in a 1950's bunker. Still want to get the fuck out of here and into a house..with a kitchen and regular amenities.. but for now, it is far from terrible. It's affordable, and I adore my landlady. 

The kitties did fantastically well on the trip. An hour of pathetic mewing, tiny picket signs, and angry looks..but then, resignation, and purrs whenever they got chin scritches through the bars of their tiny jails carriers. Took them about a day or so to settle in..and now everything is hunky dory in their world. They have "Mom" (me).. and plenty of space to be ridiculous. That's really all they need apparently. 

So...I made this for a customer, who then renigged on the order. Not pleased would be a gentle description of my feelings on the matter. I love custom orders.. but I wonder if people understand that sometimes things do not happen on a clockwork schedule. She placed the order a week before Landis's death. I had told her it would be a couple of week at least.. before it would be done because the materials had to be ordered and the shipping takes awhile ( it's pure bronze through and through). She placed a deposit on it. Then the proverbial poop hit the fan with Landis and the aftermath of dealing with it. She came back two weeks later, and I explained to her that I had suffered a pretty severe loss and that I needed more time. I told her after Bonnaroo would be the soonest, and that I would cover the shipping. 
She shows up the last weekend of Georgia asking "Is it done???"

No lady. It's not done. I'm barely holding myself together, AND I have a huge event to prepare for besides that..AND I told you that it wouldn't be until AT LEAST after Bonnaroo.  I tried to maintain politeness, and told her no. The look on her face when I told her was...well.. infuriating. As if she was angry that it wasn't done Right NOW.  

*sigh*.. I hate ranting. It serves no purpose. But, end story... I get back from Bonnaroo, to find a letter from her with a request to her credit card company to refund the deposit. I call her and say " that's fine.. but your skirt is almost done"
She tells me " oh that's great! I wasn't sure because I hadn't heard from you" ( Bullshit lady..I e-mailed you two weeks ago..because I had.. letting her know it was almost done). She says they still want the skirt, and that she'll pay in full.

I am less than smart sometimes.. or I have too much faith in people. I believed her. 

Two weeks later the skirt is done. I e-mail her and let her know.  No word back.  Finally this week, I call her and say "Hey.. I've been trying to reach you.. I've emailed you multiple times.. your skirt is done.. as I asked in my e-mails..how would you like to proceed?"

And I get the sob story about how the air conditioner has broken down, and this and that...and .... you get the picture. 

Why did they not just say " Hey, we can't afford it right now?" the LAST time I called her? Why have me finish a project they had no intention of purchasing? 

I don't know. 

It all works out in the end though. The original price I quoted her was far too low for the amount of work that went into it...and the cost of materials higher as bronze keeps going up in price. So now.. I have a beautiful piece... with a sordid history.. and eventually it will sell for a much higher price to someone who will love it. And I learned things. Learnin' I say! 

Without further ado.. 

This sucker is huge. 20 lbs, 39 inch waist, 14 inches long. Pure bronze. $975 


Jul. 31st, 2012 11:30 pm
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Faerieworlds....   I think this was my last year for it. We didn't tank... but the amount of profit wasn't quite enough to justify the amount of stress I went through to be there..  And the entire feeling of the event has changed dramatically ( not to mention the fact that they have tripled the amount of vendors..and have absolutely NO jury process..meaning aka TONS of importers..which kills those of us who are crafters and artists).
Ok.. not going to rant..

Hey look..I took pictures! 

( just one for now as I edit the rest)


Jul. 14th, 2012 09:58 pm
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Being here hasn't been entirely easy.

I've been so distracted by packing that it hasn't really bothered me until tonight. All of my friends have bailed on plans..and I still have massive packing to do... and I really want company. 

And I think of Landis. 

He would have come over. He would have made time, and wanted to see me. Even after everything that he did..that has happened.. the things I've discovered. I still think of him with regret, and sadness. And I still miss him. 

It's pretty much foolish to follow these paths of thought.. but what can I do? 

I don't even know where he's buried. Or if he even was buried. I know nothing. 

I can't even say goodbye. 
meccahi: (Default)
I am. 

Man it's gross here. 90 percent of what is here just needs to be chucked. I may not need that big of a moving truck after all. 

The cats are so FANTASTICALLY happy to see me, I almost cried. Bailey is right next to me at this moment. Blitz had his happy droolfest all over me, with lots of cuddling.  Meep stared at me vacantly, but was happy to be pet. She is probably also happy that the world has rocks, the little dumb-bunny. 

My flight was delayed by an apparent Stormpocalypse in Atlanta.  It was pretty intense there for awhile.. gale force winds, thunder that shook the airport, and blinding lightning. All flights were shut down completely for awhile. Lucky me. At least I got to nerd out on Minecraft and Borderlands. Always good go to's for distraction. 

I really do need to just toss everything here. Save the precious bits that I can't part with and just start new. 
meccahi: (Default)
Christ on a cracker.

My uncle Rocky... who is also the caretaker of the AZ house and my critters, is in the hospital with kidney failure, pneumonia, and an inability to stabilize blood sugar ( he's diabetic). 

It's not looking too good.

Either way.. it doesn't look like he is ever going to be able to live on his own again, even if he does recover from this.

So I'm flying out to AZ this Tuesday, and will be there for a week to start the packing of All The Things. Then flying back to Georgia, to make stock for another week, before flying out to Oregon to vend at Faerieworlds... then flying from Oregon to Arizona, to rent a moving truck, to drive from Arizona to Georgia, with all the things, and all the critters. To make stock for another week before GenCon.. which I then have to drive back to Georgia, to make stock for another two weeks before DragonCon.

Fuck. Me.

I knew that I had to make a big move...I just didn't realize that it was going to be so soon. I was hoping to have an actual house to move stuff into instead of this basement apartment. But... when the time hits.. you have to go with it.

I've been trying to focus on the positive aspects of it.. Some of them being..my dear friend Eli also has things in Arizona that she needs to retrieve..and she also just moved to Atlanta.. so she'll be meeting me in AZ when we do the renting of the truck and the moving of all the things, so we'll be splitting the cost of that, plus gas..plus..it will be another person to help drive and/or calm the kitties on the long trek.

Plus, at least here in the basement apartment.. my landlady has said that she doesn't mind checking on the kitties while I'm gone and giving them food and water.. and I wouldn't have that option if I already had a house. I'm taking this as a hopeful sign that this is where I'm supposed to be..and that I'm following where the universe wants me.

That's about as philosophical as I can get about this right now.

There may be some head explosions thrown in there.  

Keeping up

Jul. 4th, 2012 01:46 am
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Man, I have so much work to do...  and strangely, part of that work is dressing up all pretty like a gorram doll and taking photos for Etsy.  

Hey, I didn't say it was horrible work. 

My hair is fading from the purple I dyed it a couple of weeks ago, and coming out all sorts of psychedelic calico. I'm rather enjoying it.

My legs are starting to thin out and tone since I've been more active here...much to go.. but I'll get there. 

I love looking upside down sideways.. Hello there!


Jul. 3rd, 2012 09:34 pm
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It looks like my uncle isn't doing so well.

Father Dearest just called and said that he checked on him, and apparently he hasn't eaten in a week, and he was acting extremely strange. It's looking like that it's possible he may need to be moved into a more supervised facility. We'll find out more of what's going on Monday after his Dr's appointment.

This means I may have to move all of my things from the house even faster than I was planning. I'm more grateful now, than ever that I decided to make this transition to Georgia now, instead of waiting. 

But it also means I may have to do an actual house hunt. I like this place.. but it is noisy, there's not a huge amount of privacy, and it's far away from everything that I want to be close to, and is on the opposite side of Atlanta than I wanted to be on.  Plus, I don't relish the thought of moving large, heavy things twice in a short amount of time. I knew that this place would be temporary anyways. 

Lots to think about. Even more to research as far as what options I have. 

Lesson to be learned, kids. Don't fuck up your credit, because it puts a lot more walls up than anyone needs in situations like these.


Jun. 30th, 2012 08:24 pm
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Lots to write... not sure that I have the energy for it right now.

Still love Georgia. Still have pangs over Landis, but they're at least manageable. I'm always going to miss him, and wonder why he decided to check out. But I can at least re-read our e-mails, and think about him without tears. That's something. 

Here.. have a photo of a bug.


meccahi: (Default)
But I'm adding a bit more every day in the hopes that it will eventually feel like home.

I found her at a thrift store yesterday...

I'm really nervous about the amount of money I've spent on this move. Admittedly, I needed the bed, and that was a vast majority of the expense.. but between rent, the bed, and the various and sundry things needed to make a basement liveable..  Well, I need to start making some more Etsy sales, STAT.  I mean...I have money.. but most of it is already earmarked for stuff like taxes, show fees, and bills. Gah. 

I still don't have basic things like, a stove, or a fridge. I'm going to be living off of tuna and apples for awhile I think.  At least there's a Whole Paycheck close by so I can get my beloved organic apples.. pretty much the only fruit that I refuse to buy non-organically.  

Still too much to do. 


Jun. 18th, 2012 12:45 am
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I was supposed to work on an uber huge special order today...and I just couldn't bring myself to do it.Tomorrow then..for sure.

Fighting sadness and depression tooth and nail right now.. The wine helps. 

I miss him. I miss opportunities. I have questions still reeling around in my head.. and the inevitable.." What the fuck is wrong with me?"  Am I such a horrible person?

I painted things tonight. It helps.


Jun. 15th, 2012 08:03 pm
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Well...I guess it's official. 

New ( as in BRAND new) bed has been purchased and assembled. Paying Irish Landlady tomorrow my first month and a half of rent. Bedroom is partially together... putting together the rest of my strange underground home tomorrow as well. Sunday is devoted to ordering supplies and making special orders to be shipped out on Monday. 

I'm exhausted. Pretty lonely too, sadly. But I'm at least getting things together. I hate feeling so unsettled. 


Jun. 13th, 2012 07:25 pm
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Bonnaroo is done. 

One of the most amazing, stressful, exhausting and fantastic experiences of my life. There is so much going on that I'm reeling just a bit. Feeling rather exhausted, and a little lonely.. but it seems that life is at least moving forward. 

A few Things...
  • I met Alice Cooper, and hung out with his wife at Bonnaroo. How fucking fantastic is that? I also met Feist, but I had no idea who they were. 
  • We did better at Bonnaroo than I've ever done at any show. I also worked more than 50 hours in 4 days, easily. Probably more. I also had to pay my employees mad money because they worked their asses off, so my overall profit is probably not as high.. but still well worth it. 
  • I have a backlog of orders. 
I've already found a place to live ( for now) in Georgia. On a horse farm of all places, outside of Atlanta, on 400 acres..with hiking trails, a lake, and a river. It's a basement apartment, and the very nice, very Irish, landlady has said that if I want to go back to AZ and get the cats and bring them..that would be ok. If the next few weeks work out, this may be the place I land for the next year, while saving up for a house, paying off bills, and improving my credit. The rent is super cheap, the place immense, and it includes things like wifi and electric. I'm still not entirely emotionally ok. But I am at least working on things, and changing what I need to change, even if it hurts. 

There's quite a lot of noise in my head these days.
meccahi: (Default)
Everything feels very distant lately. Disconnected. 

I'm assuming this is just my mind's way of dealing with shock. Survival mode. I'm functioning normally... I can laugh, and enjoy the people around me. 

I appreciate them now more than ever.  But there is a distance. A blankness or some sort of void where presence and my spark used to be. I know it will come back... I hope so at least. 

Nights are tough. My brain starts whirring through everything that's happened. And it keeps pounding the same phrase over and over again. 

"I'm never going to see him again".

I don't know if it's to keep me from drifting off into a dreamland where he's still alive..where I'll still come home to Arizona and be able to see him... or if it's simply because my brain is an asshole, who wants me to suffer.

It wasn't love. It was far from it. But he was my familiar person. And I feel like if I had shown him more how much I cared about him as a person..that this wouldn't have happened.  I know that the likelihood of that being true is infinitesimal. But again.. my brain likes to play the sadist. 

I do miss him. I do still cycle back and forth between anger, hurt, pain, to emptiness on a frighteningly regular basis.  

The next time I am dating someone.. and I do mean really dating.. not the ..whatever, my last few relationships have been..  I'm telling that person every day, how much they mean to me. And if I ever do fall in love with someone, and vice versa..I will never let them forget it. 
meccahi: (Default)
I've started to move towards functionality.  I'm not going to say that I'm not still grieving.. but I'm at least able to do normal daily routines without bursting into tears or being an emotional wreck.

No word on services yet. I have no idea if I can even afford to fly out.. both the time, and the money..with last weekend coming up, and then Bonnaroo right afterwards. 

I still miss him of course. I want to think this is normal. That even though we were crap in the communications department..I knew that I could at least get a hold of him if I really needed to. 

We were going to spend GenCon together. That's going to be a rough one to get through. 

It's one of those things. I didn't think I was emotionally vested in him...and as a relationship..I wasn't. I knew that. I knew he had the Crazy. But you don't spend lots of naked time with someone and not develop feelings of some sort. It may not be love.. but an attachment is there. 

It's going to be a while before I enter any kind of arrangement again I think though. 

Sinking In

May. 25th, 2012 12:31 am
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Still dealing. I'm grateful to my friends, and their love and support. 

Not a whole lot of people know the full extent of everything. I haven't explained it to them..and I probably won't. I've been getting questions.. but.. What can I tell them? We weren't in a fully committed relationship. Yes... we were lovers. Yes, we've been seeing each other for about a year or so off and on.  It's too much to explain.  

My mind can't grasp the concept of him doing something so terrible. 

All I keep thinking about is how he tried so hard, when he could..to treat me well. How he gave me the best Valentine's day of my life. 

He drove me crazy. We weren't going to last forever... but the Landis I knew was a good person. And it's still sinking in that I'm never going to see him again.  

I can't live back in Arizona any more. There are too many memories tied to the house. To my room. To my bed.  To everything that's gone on there for the past few years. I can't do it. 

I have no idea how I'm going to manage it.. but I want to stay here, in Georgia. I need to find a place. Get it set up for the cats, and myself. I need this to happen now, more than ever before. More than anything. There is nothing left in Arizona any more except a couple of friends, my parents, and terrible memories. 
meccahi: (Default)
Goddamit Landis. Godfucking dammit.

I miss you. And I'm pissed off at you..and I don't understand. I don't understand any of this. And I miss you and I hate that you did this and took someone with you. Selfish. Thoughtless and it's breaking my heart. This wasn't you. This wasn't the you that I knew and cared for. 
meccahi: (Default)
Or...something like that. I might be a little loopy. I'm sick, and kind of sleep depped. And I really just want a hug, and for someone to put me to bed. But seeing as I am alone here, that's not going to happen. 

I made this tonight... I just need to add the straps and the underbust. I want to make a bazillion of these before Bonnaroo. We'll see how that goes. 


May. 17th, 2012 01:28 am
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...with this damned camera, I NEED to get out of the booth and take some shots before I leave this show. 

So.. there is a Drive In here in Atlanta. It's a fantastical place straight from the 50's ( actually, late 40's.. it was built in 1949). It's the same as it ever was, with all of its kitschy charm. 

But this week. This week was horrible. One of our performers was there, at a late night show. He accidentally ran his battery dead, so went to look for a jump from one of the other patrons. He knocked on someone's window, and they apparently rolled it down...and shot him point blank. 

He didn't make it. 

I didn't know the guy personally... but I've seen him around. He's a long time performer here at this show, and was also a martial arts champion...and from what everyone has said, just a genuinely wonderful, sweet, caring person.  

Even without knowing him, it hurts. It hurts so much because it's one of our own, and it was at a place that I love. I hate that so many of my road family have to go through this mourning.  The rational, logical part of my brain knows.. with such a large community..this is what happens. We lose people through all sorts of circumstances..many of them terrible. Some of them preventable. It's a cycle of life.. but it doesn't make it easier.  

There's been a memorial fund set up here : http://www.gofundme.com/Mitt-Lenix-Fund

On that note. Here.. have some pictures. 

Some of the Bajillion scale flowers that I'm making for Bonnaroo

Custom order bottle cover for a pirate..

Goodnight, World. 
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