Storm Shift
May. 29th, 2005 11:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
meccahiI had a letter written to myself.. and then the screen went blank..
You're right... it doesn't come easy.
There's a storm shifting my direction.. and there's nothing to do about it. Except Watch. And Wait. And Listen.
There's this anxiety stirring in my stomache for the past few days and I don't know why. I can't seem to shake this funk out of me. I feel angry. Fearful. I just want to be held. I want to cry.. but I'm not a crier dammit. I want to throw things. Preferably large heavy objects. I just want a hug.
Such a girl sometimes.
There is Hope and there is Reality.. when you find out which is which let me know? K Thanks.
Maybe if I just curl up in this dark corner of my brain it will all just slip away. Like an Oil Slick. Or a fading melody. Sweet and then Silence.
There is You and I. Us and Them. Whoever we May Be. They Love You. We Love You.
5 hours before I can sleep. I haven't been able to sleep because of this anxiety. A few hours at most.. and then I wake up and it's there. Staring at me. TIghtness in the pit of my belly and a mind that races. Non stop.
Que cera cera.
That desire to just hug someone. To feel close. I'm a very physical person. I love touch. Not just in a sexual or a sensual sense.. but just in that warm, close, secure way. People are odd about that. Random hugs throw them off.. and I have this huge fear of rejection that doesn't seem to quit. So instead it's a stand off attitude. The Proverbial Wall. I know why. It's not a secret except perhaps to those distant strangers known as my family. One molestation. One rape. Two miscairrages and a long string of Bad Decisions. Fault on my part where it's due and rage where it is not. Deeply personal issues that I still work on. Things fade. Worse happens all the time sadly. Horribly.
Have no idea why I started writing about this. Next topic.
LIke I ever have topics.
Home now.. and I still can't sleep.
You're right... it doesn't come easy.
There's a storm shifting my direction.. and there's nothing to do about it. Except Watch. And Wait. And Listen.
There's this anxiety stirring in my stomache for the past few days and I don't know why. I can't seem to shake this funk out of me. I feel angry. Fearful. I just want to be held. I want to cry.. but I'm not a crier dammit. I want to throw things. Preferably large heavy objects. I just want a hug.
Such a girl sometimes.
There is Hope and there is Reality.. when you find out which is which let me know? K Thanks.
Maybe if I just curl up in this dark corner of my brain it will all just slip away. Like an Oil Slick. Or a fading melody. Sweet and then Silence.
There is You and I. Us and Them. Whoever we May Be. They Love You. We Love You.
5 hours before I can sleep. I haven't been able to sleep because of this anxiety. A few hours at most.. and then I wake up and it's there. Staring at me. TIghtness in the pit of my belly and a mind that races. Non stop.
Que cera cera.
That desire to just hug someone. To feel close. I'm a very physical person. I love touch. Not just in a sexual or a sensual sense.. but just in that warm, close, secure way. People are odd about that. Random hugs throw them off.. and I have this huge fear of rejection that doesn't seem to quit. So instead it's a stand off attitude. The Proverbial Wall. I know why. It's not a secret except perhaps to those distant strangers known as my family. One molestation. One rape. Two miscairrages and a long string of Bad Decisions. Fault on my part where it's due and rage where it is not. Deeply personal issues that I still work on. Things fade. Worse happens all the time sadly. Horribly.
Have no idea why I started writing about this. Next topic.
LIke I ever have topics.
Home now.. and I still can't sleep.
