meccahi | Don't let's start...

I'm really not sure why I want to cram a thousand things into one day... and yet I still do.

Kind of lonely in its own way though. I think my day would have been more fun with a companion. Someone who doesn't mind the fact that I'm a complete nutcase. Some days I'm so mellow... then others I feel like a rocket filled with meth .

Pardon me for a moment of self pity. heh. Table for one please.Coffee... black like my heart. Thanks.

I just feel like... people read me... or get this impression of what I am.. and then I feel as if I disappoint them. That I'm not beautiful enough. That I don't fill the empty spaces with witty conversation every 5 seconds. There are those days where you really can't shut me up. But then there's the quiet days. The pondering days. I guess part of it is that I'll meet someone once or twice... and then they wander away. I'll drop them a line saying " hey let's hang".. and it's like I just asked them to tap dance naked on top of their grandmother's grave or something.

Awkward silence.

Hence me being an angsty musician.

So in the past two days that I have had off... I managed to purchase... a papazan.. a psaltry..seeds for growing... groceries.. organic shampoo...a rug...wine..computer speakers... a thai cookbook...a black pleather skirt..CD's..bellydancing accessories...bells and coins for my chainmail stuff...
yeah. I spent money.Lots. Go me. People need to get with the program and buy some of my stuff dammit.. Grin.

I finally started my chainmail skirt. I've been itching to make myself something pretty and I finally got the motivation to start.
This is what happens when the weather warms up. I feel alive again. My blood moves. My motivation springs into action.

My house WILL be clean inside and out within the next two weeks. I've been cleaning more of Granny's stuff out and going through what needs to be saved and what can go on to Deseret Industries. I swear there is nothing creepier than going to the local thrift store and seeing something that you used to own there. A twisty feeling. Like going forwards by walking backwards with a side of remorse.

I want someone to come over and play chess with me now that I have the neatest little gaming table ever.

I want someone to come over and garden at night with me. Seriously. No time better.

I want to cook for someone. I bloody hate cooking for just me. I love to cook.. It frightens me how domestic I can get sometimes.

I want someone to spar with. I miss fighting shi-nai. I love being physical.

I miss people. As much as most of the fucktards in society drive me crazy... I still miss being with kindred and kind.

With most of my close friends leaving for other shows.. I think I'm feeling the withdrawel. Two close friends of mine are getting off the road. They adopted my kitten Discus. Another departure. I'm glad she found a home with two of my closest friends. They'll be good parents. And I'm really ok with just having my two fuzzy monsters.

I really don't want to be the crazy cat lady. But I seem to be acquiring some good training for the role.

I'm done with the pity party now thank you.