Revolutions and Reevaluations

There is ALOT to talk about at the moment. Much to reveal, and some of it a bit shocking. News at 11.

Saturn Return

I've been thinking for a few days on how to write this entry. How to explain things, how to rationalize to myself and the rest of the world. But in the end it's a "fuck it" attitude. This is how things play out, and all in all for the best.

I am not in England.

I'm home.

Ever since I left Arizona for Bristol, things have not been going well.
I should have listened when problem after problem kept coming up on the first roadtrip. When the truck broke down for no good reason less than 100 miles from home, and that was only the start of problems. I tried to deny that it wasn't a sign. But I'm a follower of the belief that the universe, the ancestors, fates, whatever, do indeed send you signals and signs. It seemed that as soon as I left home.. I just wanted to go back. It felt like half the time I should just turn around and go back. Just forget about Bristol.. forget about everything. And maybe I should have. All through Bristol I wasn't happy. It seemed there was nothing but stress, anxiety, worry, and dissention. I wanted to be home. I wasn't looking forward to England. When I did it was only in a vague way. Like.. " Hmmm England would be nice"... but not in a "Hey look i'm leaving in 2 weeks and I can't wait". I was dreading it. I just wanted to go home.

Supposedly, in astrology, when you're 28, you go through a period called "Saturn Return". A time of growing. Of evolution. In order for me to attend school this year, I would have to go in debt to both my Dad and Grog. If it had been a matter of a couple of hundred dollars.. it wouldn't have bothered me so much. But it wasn't. It was a matter of thousands. Hence my attempting to sell the truck in Bristol.

Years ago, it wouldn't have bothered me to go into debt with Dad. But I'm tired of oweing. I'm tired of the guilt, and the feeling that all I have was not earned. The night before I was to leave.. I talked with Dad for an hour.. and for once in my life.. I agreed with him. He didn't want to help pay for school. That if I did this now, that it would be the same cycle over again that i've gon through for the past 6 years of my life. Owe money for school, go to school, not use the schooling because I'm working to pay off school. In actuality oweing Dad. I already owe him $25,000.

I don't want to repeat the cycle anymore. I want to be able to concentrate on school without having to worry about how I'm going to pay for it. I want to enjoy my time while I'm there. To soak it in without guilt.

To clarify.. I do in fact have school paid for... but the room and board I didn't have enough for.. and for changing my flight date it would have cost an extra grand. Money I didn't have.

And all that time I kept thinking I just wanted to go home.

And so.. after hours of agonizing in the forests of New York, with Kristi and a friend helping all they could. I made the decision. I want school. I still want to go. Now is not the time. I don't know when will be. Maybe next year.

I contacted the school and let them know . I'll admit I did not tell them the real reason why I would not be attending. I feel like slime for that part.

So I left New York at 3A.M. and drove to Maryland to drop Kristi off. Slept for a few hours. And headed home to Arizona. And i'm happy about it. It feels right. I'm where I need to be right now.

I wanted to write this entry eloquently. But my eloquence is frozen for the moment.. and Grog has just called for me to go pick up an ugly chair to add to our collection.

Happiness is a strange strange creature.