*WHEW*

[meccahi]

I was listed in an incorrect filing status.

Holy sweet Jesus


They reversed all of the charges...and I just have to pay the late fees for my filing for the 4 days I did business in Georgia last year.

So yeah.

And my Dad?  Is an asshole.


I mean I knew this already... but the things he said last night were so outrageous and hurtful and demeaning. Here I am...his daughter. Terrified because of this letter stating I owe over $200K in a state that I barely do $10K at .... and his response?

"Well they're the government and you'll probably have to pay it... and you really suck at running your business. I can't bail you out of this. They'll probably never let you back into Georgia after this... or if you do go back they'll probably take you to jail for tax evasion. They'll come up to your booth and just take you away. Of course it's mostly Obama's fault.... etc"

And he continued like this for about half an hour.

I know I have some daddy issues.  Sure as hell not going to wonder why. 

I hate my family.  There.  I said it.  

I love my mom. She frustrates the hell out of me... but I do love her.  

I'm having a hard time feeling any love for my Dad right now.  It's so completely fucked up. He's never once been able to be a caring and supportive father. He's been able to give money instead of love. But that always came with a high price too. Always conditions. Always "You're going to owe me forever" .

Is this why I have such a hard time dating?  Why I always feel like I have to give my partner everything and always crave physical touch in return.  

It doesn't matter.  I see things much more clearly now. 

Comments

[captain-snarky.livejournal.com]

If it's any consolation, I know very few people who have good relationships with their fathers.

[meccahi.livejournal.com]

It's just...sad. When you know that your parents should *never* have been parents. It's why I vowed to never have children unless I met the most amazing person in the world and had a stable, long term,mature, established relationship with them.

I know you understand having dealt with a non emotional parent.

Unfortunately my Dad is immature to the point of it being a mental disorder. He called this morning and I told him very calmly that "I wished he would think before he speaks"...and his (verbatim) response was the very teenaged "Okay..whatever".

I'm growing, and continue to grow, when it comes to emotions and personal development. I wish he would too.

[captain-snarky.livejournal.com]

I do. I totally get it. I remember my dad being the best dad ever when I was very young. I don't know why that changed.
My mom says it's cultural. That beyond a certain age Latin men are strictly hands off parents to their daughters. That if I'd been a boy it would have been different.
All well and good to try and process that information as an adult. But when I was little all I knew was that dad didn't love me anymore and all I could figure was that it was something I'd done.
I'd be lying if I said that didn't continue to fuck with me in new and unexpected ways. No matter how self aware and rational I've become.

Maybe your dad does have a disorder. Maybe nobody ever called him on his shit. Most people don't care to analyze their behavior, so if no one ever pointed it out then he never thought about it. And now he's not likely to.
It's good that you recognize what's going on and try to deal with it in a constructive way.
I'm sorry it sucks though.
It's really hard when you need support and the people you're supposed to be able to count on it from fail you.
Most of us have to learn to be strong in this way though, so you've got company at least.

[meccahi.livejournal.com]

"I'd be lying if I said that didn't continue to fuck with me in new and unexpected ways."

A-fucking-men.

My Dad had some serious anger issues when I was younger. It turned from emotional abuse to sometimes physical abuse. I remember him giving me a black eye once when I was little because I wouldn't do a somersault for him. And him threatening to shove my face into a fan because I laughed at him doing something stupid like stubbing his toe. Or terrifying me with verbal and physical threats when my math homework wasn't done correctly.

The fights when I was a teenager were horrific.

It still fucks with me as well. I try to pull away from being a damaged person because I think everyone can pull their shit together.. but it's goddamned hard when you get the periodic reminders.

[captain-snarky.livejournal.com]

You're right, everyone can pull their shit together. And you're stronger and better than most because you a) know that and b) are trying to. Some day you may even be in an place where you can let him go be his miserable self and you won't have to suffer for it.

Even if you step back once for every two forward, it's still progress. That's what I tell myself when my dad's attitude fucks with me. I tell myself I understand it better every day, and I'm moving forward. Even if it's measured in centimeters per year. Still forward.