Thoughts and Distances
May. 30th, 2012 12:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
meccahiEverything feels very distant lately. Disconnected.
I'm assuming this is just my mind's way of dealing with shock. Survival mode. I'm functioning normally... I can laugh, and enjoy the people around me.
I appreciate them now more than ever. But there is a distance. A blankness or some sort of void where presence and my spark used to be. I know it will come back... I hope so at least.
Nights are tough. My brain starts whirring through everything that's happened. And it keeps pounding the same phrase over and over again.
"I'm never going to see him again".
I don't know if it's to keep me from drifting off into a dreamland where he's still alive..where I'll still come home to Arizona and be able to see him... or if it's simply because my brain is an asshole, who wants me to suffer.
It wasn't love. It was far from it. But he was my familiar person. And I feel like if I had shown him more how much I cared about him as a person..that this wouldn't have happened. I know that the likelihood of that being true is infinitesimal. But again.. my brain likes to play the sadist.
I do miss him. I do still cycle back and forth between anger, hurt, pain, to emptiness on a frighteningly regular basis.
The next time I am dating someone.. and I do mean really dating.. not the ..whatever, my last few relationships have been.. I'm telling that person every day, how much they mean to me. And if I ever do fall in love with someone, and vice versa..I will never let them forget it.
I'm assuming this is just my mind's way of dealing with shock. Survival mode. I'm functioning normally... I can laugh, and enjoy the people around me.
I appreciate them now more than ever. But there is a distance. A blankness or some sort of void where presence and my spark used to be. I know it will come back... I hope so at least.
Nights are tough. My brain starts whirring through everything that's happened. And it keeps pounding the same phrase over and over again.
"I'm never going to see him again".
I don't know if it's to keep me from drifting off into a dreamland where he's still alive..where I'll still come home to Arizona and be able to see him... or if it's simply because my brain is an asshole, who wants me to suffer.
It wasn't love. It was far from it. But he was my familiar person. And I feel like if I had shown him more how much I cared about him as a person..that this wouldn't have happened. I know that the likelihood of that being true is infinitesimal. But again.. my brain likes to play the sadist.
I do miss him. I do still cycle back and forth between anger, hurt, pain, to emptiness on a frighteningly regular basis.
The next time I am dating someone.. and I do mean really dating.. not the ..whatever, my last few relationships have been.. I'm telling that person every day, how much they mean to me. And if I ever do fall in love with someone, and vice versa..I will never let them forget it.
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no subject
Date: 2012-05-30 05:11 pm (UTC)I don't know if telling you about the pathology from a medical/psychological profiling standpoint would help or not though.
So I'm just gonna shut my yap and say, I'm sorry for your troubles honey. Like everyone else, I'm here if you need anything.
no subject
Date: 2012-05-30 05:41 pm (UTC)I understand a bit of his psychosis logically. Or as logical as it can get. But you're right. It doesn't make the heart hurt any less. He'd been planning his suicide for awhile now... for at least a year now it appears. The part that tears me is that he took someone else out with him. THAT..I just don't understand.
I'm dealing..in my way. I know it's going to hit me off and on for ages yet to come. I just have to roll with it.
no subject
Date: 2012-05-30 07:47 pm (UTC)Forgive yourself when you don't succeed. Remember people care about you.
That's all you need to do.