meccahi | Less of a Lament ..more Reminiscent

I have been mostly in absentia of late..

Not by any desire to neglect.. just by the feeling that there is nothing to write about. Nothing that really matters anyways.. Or so I thought untill I started this rambling..

When did Pop songs become so INANE??

But My Oh My they are fun to mock while my ears are bombarded by thier insipidness..

That's pretty much what I do at work. That and try and figure out how I got there in the first place.
( Duh.. I drove.. I know that)

It's just that feeling that I'm not where I want to be. Not in the least.

I'm not unhappy.. I'm dissatisfied. There is a difference. Mainly it's just work related. The money is grand.. the job is not. It's the feeling of I KNOW that I am not doing what I am here on this planet to do, and that pull, that anger at myself for not trying harder to do what I AM here to do hurts and consumes me.

What holds me back? ME!!!! How idiotic is that.?

I want to do what I love. Music.. Art..Creation. It's what makes me truly happy.

The answer is to just Do. But can I DO... and still keep the financial boat afloat? Therein lies the conflict little grassmuncher.

Overtime in my world means muchos pay... and a sad sad simian am I, for it also means zero time to accomplish Grand Schemes of Infinite Chaos.

I'm terrified of becoming She who I am not. Some mindless drone who plops a cushioned American ass on the couch and zones out for hours watching bland regurgitated plot lines on TV. Obsessing over weight gain and Hair (which I admit I do sometimes).. Over bills and pills and things that just..don't.. matter. It makes me scream in terror on the inside because i see it reflected in my family. It terrifies the ever living shit out of me. I just say to myself.. This cannot be. This must not be. There really is something more.

I miss many of my friends. One especially. She's been lurking in my mind of late. She has a MySpace. I know what it is. I could easily reach out to her again.. but she left because she felt we were too different. She loves me and I love her..like sisters..but she still felt we were too different. I knew we were different.. but we were also very much the same. I miss her so much sometimes it becomes a physical ache.

You know when you meet a soul-friend.. as campy and new-agey as that sounda.. that person that you know to the marrow of their bones and yet still want to dig for more. I've been incredibly lucky in meeting more than one in my life. When they go their seperate paths it wrenches something inside. Lately it's felt like a scab knocked loose. I don't know why. Why now??? I know for a fact that I can be difficult.. Vain.. vexing.. frustrating and childlike. I'm a regular Pain In The Ass. I've also done my damndest to try and grow, and be a better person. To see the other perspective.

Once again.. I have no idea where I'm going with this.
Straight to hell boys.

Oh look, I am Shannon's Rambling Thoughts.

I know the Question of my Day.. "What do I want in life?"
I want music, and Joy, and Art.. The things that make me Alive.
I know the answer is to just Do.
I didn't realise that there was a middle ground. A space in between determination and hesitation.
The space in between being Me.
Dammit.