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meccahiYou say you don't want it, this circus we're in, but you don't don't really mean it."
Let me tell you the events of the past few days.
My very, very,very first boyfriend came back into my life. We were each others first. We lost our virginity to each other. He basicly confessed that he had loved me all these years, that he had been searching for me. That he regretted our breaking up more than anything in his life. That if things had continued, that he would have wanted me as his wife. He told me he wanted to try again. To make things right.
We fooled around. I won't deny that. We had fun. I did not sleep with him, although it got really close to the "fuck everything and let's get monkey crazy" time.
Then today happened. I'll just let the transcripts speak for themselves................
========================================================================================================== hershboyinaz: hey you there? I need to talk to you!
Auto response from ForYorLife: Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.........
ForYorLife: I'm here
ForYorLife: What's up?
ForYorLife: I'm leaving in a couple of minutes for yet ANOTHER job interview.
hershboyinaz: well, good luck
ForYorLife: thanks. what's up?
hershboyinaz: can tell you something, just here me out and please do not be mad?
ForYorLife: sure.
hershboyinaz: I mean, you can be mad, but, well, just hear me out...
ForYorLife: Ok............
hershboyinaz: I have not been totally truthfu, I do not no why I just hadn't come out and told you, I was not really myself the other night, but, okay....
ForYorLife: you have a girlfriend don't you?
hershboyinaz: first off, please understand something, it is an totally open relationship, there are some physical problems with her which she is seeing a docter for to help her, medical problems I should say, that prevent us from, you know.....but no, it is not a girlfriend..she was at one time though....
hershboyinaz: I am so sorry.....
hershboyinaz: last thing I wanna do if hurt you, honestly...
ForYorLife: You.Really.Suck. No, I mean you really REALLY suck. You come over, professing all these supposed feelings for me and all these regrets, then make very damn effort to get into my pants, even when I TOLD you I would rather take things slow.... and you NEVER once tell me about this??????? What. The. Fuck.
ForYorLife: Do you love her?
hershboyinaz: Shannon, I know, I am sorry....
ForYorLife: NO. DOn't give me that "I'm sorry" bullshit. That doesn't cut it.
ForYorLife: Do You Love Her?
hershboyinaz: does it matter?
ForYorLife: Yes, it does in fact.
ForYorLife: You say you ahve an "open relationship" with her, then you say she's not really your girlfriend. Is she or isn't she? Are you in a relationship with her or not?
ForYorLife: Does she live with you? And is that why you're so reluctant?
hershboyinaz: yes I do..been with her a few years and have never rarely had sex with her, cause of her problem..... long ago she told me I could have "girlfriends"....
hershboyinaz: I knwo that I was fucked up by not telling you, and, the things I told you the other night are true.....
ForYorLife: But you love her.
hershboyinaz: You've always been in the back of my mind....
hershboyinaz: yeah, I do love....and she wants me to be happy
ForYorLife: And you are in a relationship with her.
hershboyinaz: yeah, I am....... there have only been two girls in my life I ever had any feelings for, you and her, and that aint no bullshit...
ForYorLife: I cannot BELIEVE you. How can you do this to me???? How can you be so FUCKING cruel???? It would have told me from the get-go what your situation was, but to pull this shit.............
ForYorLife: It would ahve been one thing..... to tell me.... but to lead me into thinking you were single, and looking....
hershboyinaz: I know, honestly, I was not going over there for sex or anything, I know it;s hard t o believe..... just, I am sorry I should of told you from the get go, I have no exscuse for it what so ever.....
ForYorLife: and to profess all these feelings............. so basically you want me i your life for a booty call, and then you go back to her, to sleep next to at night.
ForYorLife: I get the sex, but she gets the love.
hershboyinaz: no, I never wanted you as a booty call, I told you that,,, the other night I was fucked up, not thinking sstraight, had a billion buttterfllys, scared as hell to see you, but, I wanted to be friends.
hershboyinaz: things did get out of hand, all my fault.....
hershboyinaz: I did not mean to hurt you...
ForYorLife: Words, little man, just fucking words.
hershboyinaz: I am sorry, and I do hope in time you could forgive my bad judgment, I never did mean to hurt you
ForYorLife: So, she lives with you, you love her, you ARE in a relationship, and you want me for sex.
ForYorLife: And does she know about this little foray?
hershboyinaz: yes she does....and no I did not and do not want you for sex, I want you as a friend....
ForYorLife: I really kind of hate you right now.
ForYorLife: I go for three years, with a man who never tells me I'm beautiful, that he cares, or calls me his girlfriend, I leave him to find someone who WILL give me their all, who is willing to be with me. Then YOU step in and say pretty things, and make all these plays for me, and then pop up and say "Oh by the way, I have a girlfriend". How the FUCK do yout hink I'm supposed to feel???????
ForYorLife: Do you know how little self worth that makes me feel? That I'm only good enough for someone's side dish????
ForYorLife: Do you realize that for a moment I felt like I could be special to someone? That I was important to someone? Now it's pretty much a fuicking joke.
hershboyinaz: well, first off, you are beutiful, very beutiful, I love you personaility, you are a great person. I know you are gonna hate me, thats why I had to tell you. I did ot wanna lead ou on anymore than I already did.....you are special to me. Always have been. for 11 years I have thought about you, wondering what you where doing where you are at. Wondering if I'd run into at the movies or a restraunt or the guitar store. You are not a joke to me, you are a very special woman who desrves a man to take care of you like a princess.
ForYorLife: Gee thanks, that helps me a whole hell of a fucking lot. Do you realise how hurt I am? That at this moment, words mean very little to me. I'm tired of fucking words. And I can't believe that you did this to me. I wasn't this hurt when we first broke up. I guess I'm making up for it now.
hershboyinaz: I know words mean little to you, and I will say I am sorry till the end of time. I hope that one day you can forgive me...
hershboyinaz: but please understand, I did not mean for any of this to happend to you....
ForYorLife: How the fuck am I supposed to forgive you? I've been a mistress before. And it hurt. I'd rather be alone, than somebodies sperm recepticle.
hershboyinaz: I do not want you to be a mistress, i want to be your friend. I enjoy your company....
ForYorLife: Well at this moment I want to rip your testicles off and force feed them to you. You could have been honest with me from the start, and you weren't. That says something to me. I'm glad you told me this now. But I wish you had told me sooner.
hershboyinaz: I wish I had told you ealier also, again I have no exscuse... I am sorry!
ForYorLife: Yes, you are sorry. Very sorry. And I'm really very upset right now.
hershboyinaz: I am sorry, did not mean to ruin your day or anything.... I really had to tell you this.... I know I sent mixed signals, I am a asshole, dick, whatever for it, I am exteremly sorry. Anyways, I am not good enough for you, you deserve better than I....
ForYorLife: Mixed signals??????????? You sit there and tell me how gorgeous you think I am, kiss me for an hour, almost sleep with me, and you call that mixed signals???????
hershboyinaz: the wrong imperssion, exterme mix signals? You are gorgeous, very gorgeous. Thats has not changed....
hershboyinaz: should I leave you lone for a while? You want anything to do with me anymore?
ForYorLife: I am really really pissed off right now. Knowing me, I'll probably forgive you, but right now, I want to do you great bodily harm. I don't know what else to say, except that I'm hurt, and angry, and feel used.
ForYorLife: I don't know.
ForYorLife: You belong to someone else. Go talk to her or something. I have my own ways of dealing with things.
hershboyinaz: I just want you to think about something when you have amoment, for 10 or so years I have been thinking of you. was really exited when you wrote me. A wish came true. You honestly think I would really want to hurt you? I would love it if we where friends. I could se us being great friends sooner or later. All I can sa is I am sorry...
ForYorLife: How the hell am I supposed to trust you? You say a wish came true for you? Well I thought mine had too. I thought "wow here is someone who wants to be with me,only me. and isn't afraid to show it" . Now I see that it was bullshit. And I really don't like you right now.
=======================================================================
He signed off after that.
I know that Bridget Jone's Diary was based on "Pride and Prejudice", but at this moment I don't feel like Elizabeth Bennett, I feel like Bridget Jones, betrayed, and hurt, and thinking that someone finally loved her.
So where the Fuck is my Mr.Darcy?
Meanwhile, whiskey is my very good friend.
Let me tell you the events of the past few days.
My very, very,very first boyfriend came back into my life. We were each others first. We lost our virginity to each other. He basicly confessed that he had loved me all these years, that he had been searching for me. That he regretted our breaking up more than anything in his life. That if things had continued, that he would have wanted me as his wife. He told me he wanted to try again. To make things right.
We fooled around. I won't deny that. We had fun. I did not sleep with him, although it got really close to the "fuck everything and let's get monkey crazy" time.
Then today happened. I'll just let the transcripts speak for themselves................
========================================================================================================== hershboyinaz: hey you there? I need to talk to you!
Auto response from ForYorLife: Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.........
ForYorLife: I'm here
ForYorLife: What's up?
ForYorLife: I'm leaving in a couple of minutes for yet ANOTHER job interview.
hershboyinaz: well, good luck
ForYorLife: thanks. what's up?
hershboyinaz: can tell you something, just here me out and please do not be mad?
ForYorLife: sure.
hershboyinaz: I mean, you can be mad, but, well, just hear me out...
ForYorLife: Ok............
hershboyinaz: I have not been totally truthfu, I do not no why I just hadn't come out and told you, I was not really myself the other night, but, okay....
ForYorLife: you have a girlfriend don't you?
hershboyinaz: first off, please understand something, it is an totally open relationship, there are some physical problems with her which she is seeing a docter for to help her, medical problems I should say, that prevent us from, you know.....but no, it is not a girlfriend..she was at one time though....
hershboyinaz: I am so sorry.....
hershboyinaz: last thing I wanna do if hurt you, honestly...
ForYorLife: You.Really.Suck. No, I mean you really REALLY suck. You come over, professing all these supposed feelings for me and all these regrets, then make very damn effort to get into my pants, even when I TOLD you I would rather take things slow.... and you NEVER once tell me about this??????? What. The. Fuck.
ForYorLife: Do you love her?
hershboyinaz: Shannon, I know, I am sorry....
ForYorLife: NO. DOn't give me that "I'm sorry" bullshit. That doesn't cut it.
ForYorLife: Do You Love Her?
hershboyinaz: does it matter?
ForYorLife: Yes, it does in fact.
ForYorLife: You say you ahve an "open relationship" with her, then you say she's not really your girlfriend. Is she or isn't she? Are you in a relationship with her or not?
ForYorLife: Does she live with you? And is that why you're so reluctant?
hershboyinaz: yes I do..been with her a few years and have never rarely had sex with her, cause of her problem..... long ago she told me I could have "girlfriends"....
hershboyinaz: I knwo that I was fucked up by not telling you, and, the things I told you the other night are true.....
ForYorLife: But you love her.
hershboyinaz: You've always been in the back of my mind....
hershboyinaz: yeah, I do love....and she wants me to be happy
ForYorLife: And you are in a relationship with her.
hershboyinaz: yeah, I am....... there have only been two girls in my life I ever had any feelings for, you and her, and that aint no bullshit...
ForYorLife: I cannot BELIEVE you. How can you do this to me???? How can you be so FUCKING cruel???? It would have told me from the get-go what your situation was, but to pull this shit.............
ForYorLife: It would ahve been one thing..... to tell me.... but to lead me into thinking you were single, and looking....
hershboyinaz: I know, honestly, I was not going over there for sex or anything, I know it;s hard t o believe..... just, I am sorry I should of told you from the get go, I have no exscuse for it what so ever.....
ForYorLife: and to profess all these feelings............. so basically you want me i your life for a booty call, and then you go back to her, to sleep next to at night.
ForYorLife: I get the sex, but she gets the love.
hershboyinaz: no, I never wanted you as a booty call, I told you that,,, the other night I was fucked up, not thinking sstraight, had a billion buttterfllys, scared as hell to see you, but, I wanted to be friends.
hershboyinaz: things did get out of hand, all my fault.....
hershboyinaz: I did not mean to hurt you...
ForYorLife: Words, little man, just fucking words.
hershboyinaz: I am sorry, and I do hope in time you could forgive my bad judgment, I never did mean to hurt you
ForYorLife: So, she lives with you, you love her, you ARE in a relationship, and you want me for sex.
ForYorLife: And does she know about this little foray?
hershboyinaz: yes she does....and no I did not and do not want you for sex, I want you as a friend....
ForYorLife: I really kind of hate you right now.
ForYorLife: I go for three years, with a man who never tells me I'm beautiful, that he cares, or calls me his girlfriend, I leave him to find someone who WILL give me their all, who is willing to be with me. Then YOU step in and say pretty things, and make all these plays for me, and then pop up and say "Oh by the way, I have a girlfriend". How the FUCK do yout hink I'm supposed to feel???????
ForYorLife: Do you know how little self worth that makes me feel? That I'm only good enough for someone's side dish????
ForYorLife: Do you realize that for a moment I felt like I could be special to someone? That I was important to someone? Now it's pretty much a fuicking joke.
hershboyinaz: well, first off, you are beutiful, very beutiful, I love you personaility, you are a great person. I know you are gonna hate me, thats why I had to tell you. I did ot wanna lead ou on anymore than I already did.....you are special to me. Always have been. for 11 years I have thought about you, wondering what you where doing where you are at. Wondering if I'd run into at the movies or a restraunt or the guitar store. You are not a joke to me, you are a very special woman who desrves a man to take care of you like a princess.
ForYorLife: Gee thanks, that helps me a whole hell of a fucking lot. Do you realise how hurt I am? That at this moment, words mean very little to me. I'm tired of fucking words. And I can't believe that you did this to me. I wasn't this hurt when we first broke up. I guess I'm making up for it now.
hershboyinaz: I know words mean little to you, and I will say I am sorry till the end of time. I hope that one day you can forgive me...
hershboyinaz: but please understand, I did not mean for any of this to happend to you....
ForYorLife: How the fuck am I supposed to forgive you? I've been a mistress before. And it hurt. I'd rather be alone, than somebodies sperm recepticle.
hershboyinaz: I do not want you to be a mistress, i want to be your friend. I enjoy your company....
ForYorLife: Well at this moment I want to rip your testicles off and force feed them to you. You could have been honest with me from the start, and you weren't. That says something to me. I'm glad you told me this now. But I wish you had told me sooner.
hershboyinaz: I wish I had told you ealier also, again I have no exscuse... I am sorry!
ForYorLife: Yes, you are sorry. Very sorry. And I'm really very upset right now.
hershboyinaz: I am sorry, did not mean to ruin your day or anything.... I really had to tell you this.... I know I sent mixed signals, I am a asshole, dick, whatever for it, I am exteremly sorry. Anyways, I am not good enough for you, you deserve better than I....
ForYorLife: Mixed signals??????????? You sit there and tell me how gorgeous you think I am, kiss me for an hour, almost sleep with me, and you call that mixed signals???????
hershboyinaz: the wrong imperssion, exterme mix signals? You are gorgeous, very gorgeous. Thats has not changed....
hershboyinaz: should I leave you lone for a while? You want anything to do with me anymore?
ForYorLife: I am really really pissed off right now. Knowing me, I'll probably forgive you, but right now, I want to do you great bodily harm. I don't know what else to say, except that I'm hurt, and angry, and feel used.
ForYorLife: I don't know.
ForYorLife: You belong to someone else. Go talk to her or something. I have my own ways of dealing with things.
hershboyinaz: I just want you to think about something when you have amoment, for 10 or so years I have been thinking of you. was really exited when you wrote me. A wish came true. You honestly think I would really want to hurt you? I would love it if we where friends. I could se us being great friends sooner or later. All I can sa is I am sorry...
ForYorLife: How the hell am I supposed to trust you? You say a wish came true for you? Well I thought mine had too. I thought "wow here is someone who wants to be with me,only me. and isn't afraid to show it" . Now I see that it was bullshit. And I really don't like you right now.
=======================================================================
He signed off after that.
I know that Bridget Jone's Diary was based on "Pride and Prejudice", but at this moment I don't feel like Elizabeth Bennett, I feel like Bridget Jones, betrayed, and hurt, and thinking that someone finally loved her.
So where the Fuck is my Mr.Darcy?
Meanwhile, whiskey is my very good friend.
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no subject
Date: 2004-11-05 01:09 am (UTC)I really think it has to do with that "not enough blood..." statement about two heads. Mixed signals...I'd be right with you in the whole violence thing.
Shannon, you kick mucho ass-age. Forget this loser and come drink whiskey with Kristen and I.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-05 01:28 am (UTC)I'm sorry about you and Rob fighting. I hope things get resolved peaceably. And then lovingly with lots and lots of nookie.